


A Storm is Going to Come

by CileSuns, PaisleyMae



Series: Storm [1]
Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 11, Derek is alive, F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 14:31:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4395491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CileSuns/pseuds/CileSuns, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaisleyMae/pseuds/PaisleyMae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Meredith and Derek are faced with the challenge of living on separate coasts. Meanwhile, a storm is brewing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone! This story was originally posted by my co-author, CileSuns92 (Irene), on FFN last November. We decided, hey, why not post it here too? 
> 
> This is PART 1 of the Storm trilogy. Part 2 is in progress on FFN and will eventually be posted here too. 
> 
> WARNING: This is not your 'everybody's always happy' story, but it is an alternate season 11, and DEREK IS ALIVE and will remain alive. There will be ups and downs, but Meredith and Derek will always come out stronger in the end. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> \- Nicole

Open the faucet. Set it on cold, ice cold. Splash water on face. Towel-dry.

These daily steps seem both a mountain to climb and an oasis of solace for Meredith as she stares at her reflection in the mirror of the Attendings' lounge.

She looks like crap, and the water only helps with a little of the exhaustion embedded deep in her bones. Her day is not over yet, and she needs to find some residual energy to drag her body – and the kids – back home.

She doesn't see what's wrong in doing that in her scrubs.

Bailey is not even remotely bothered by the fact that she has decided not to change into regular clothes to take them home.

When she picks him up from the daycare center, he looks like he's about to fall asleep right there as he plays, his mass of curls drooping dangerously closer to the table as she silently watches him play with his buddies.

Bailey turns, and all the tiredness disappears from his eyes, the intense blue sparkling as he half-crawls, half-toddles towards her, still very unsteady.

“Ma!” He grins, looking so much like Derek it hurts. He might be her carbon copy ninety-nine percent of the time, but when he smiles, he's all Derek.

“Hey, sweet boy, there you are!” Meredith hopes she's not failing at hiding how tired she is, and that the happiness in seeing her son can mask that.

Bailey is a very oblivious judge of her emotions.

She grabs his jacket and picks him up under his armpits, perching him against her hip as she waves goodbye to the teacher on the other side of the room. Bailey hooks his legs around her midsection, leaning his head against her shoulder, his breath tickling her bare neck.

Meredith stamps a kiss over the messy waves of his hair, then proceeds to retrieve Zola as well from the adjoining room, where they keep the older children.

She barely has time to show up that Zola has already spotted her.

“Mama!” Zola greets her brightly, her smile only dulled by the tiredness of an entire day filled with games. Meredith feels another smile stretch on her lips automatically.

“Hey there, Lovebug.” Meredith opens her arm to receive her little body, wraps her around her stomach tightly, closing her eyes at the impact as Zola runs towards her in excitement.

“How was your day?” Meredith asks, breathing in the fading smell of watermelon in Zola's hair and juggling Bailey on her other side.

“So fun, Mama. We goin' home now? I wanna see Daddy.”

Meredith sighs. It's late for the kids to still be awake and in need of dinner, since it's already past eight thirty, but she can't deny them that. It's not like they have a strict bedtime schedule anymore when she keeps being pulled into emergencies left and right a few minutes before her shift is supposed to end.

“We'll eat something then we can try to chat with Daddy, alright?”

Zola perks up, running back to grab her backpack from the rack, then goes back again to retrieve the coat she was about to leave there. Meredith smiles at her silly girl, barely minding the little delay.

“Put your jacket on,” she encourages, grabbing her backpack and holding it for her, as Zola shimmies into the sleeves of the raincoat.

Meredith ends up carrying the backpack across the street, until they reach the car, Bailey still holding onto her, as Meredith holds Zola's hand together with the car keys. The scene might look slightly comical: with Meredith and her bag, Zola's backpack, a boy on her shoulder and a girl holding onto her. Except she can’t let go of her children; she needs them to keep her grounded just as much as she needs some rest right in this moment.

She allows Zola to press the button to open the car doors, and the little girl jumps in her booster seat full of residual excitement. Bailey is a lot more mellow when settling next to his sister, clearly looking more tired.

The ride home is a quiet one, Zola's somewhat coherent recount of her day in preschool as the main source of amusement, together with Bailey's sleepy giggling and babbling as he tries his best to keep up with his sister. Meredith listens, sometimes cracks a smile, sometimes she turns back to watch her children play with one another, and the sense of not doing enough for them fades away for a moment.

She never thought doing it all alone would make her feel so helpless sometimes. Single parents should get gold stars for even waking up in the morning some days.

Her smile dims as they arrive home and she parks the car near their dark porch. They have porch lights with movement sensors, but Derek usually left her a light on when he came home before her.

He's in DC now; it's kind of hard for him to leave a light on.

She sighs, rousing Bailey from his doze and handing Zola her backpack as they all enter the house.

Meredith groans at the sight of her living room. And her kitchen sink. And her house, really.

The only thing that's still in its rightful place are the light fixtures, exactly because they are fixed. To a wall. With bolts.

What once was their safe haven for the mess in their lives is just the reflection of how messy their lives have become.

It's probably three days that she has to do the dishes, and she stopped seeing the point of picking up toys from the floor a long time ago. They can still use paper plates next time they will eat some pasta.

She opens her freezer, finding it bare, save for some mix of chopped onions, celery and carrots that Derek uses when he makes taco meat, and maybe some minced parsley too? She's not sure what that stuff is anyway. The dishes Derek pre-cooked for their survival barely lasted them a week, then Meredith had to get creative with take-out menus, drive-ins or the cafeteria. She regrets not lingering at the hospital a little longer tonight.

She sends Zola to her room to change into her pajamas, settles Bailey in the living room, then opens the fridge door. Maybe there's some leftover pizza or some other kind of leftovers that look edible, but the whitish lights only shines on very empty shelves.

They do have milk. It's most likely expired, but it's there.

She sets a plastic bowl in front of Bailey, fills it with cereal, before setting a place mat and a bowl for Zola and for herself. She grabs the spoons while she finds a suitable pot to heat up the milk, to see if it starts going sour even if the expiration date says boldly it should be fine until the next day.

Luckily for them, the milk is still good, and they have enough bowls to last them through one more night, one more dinner.

She calls down Zola, puts Bailey in his high-chair, then they silently start to eat. The cereals get soggy quickly, but the kids don't seem to mind that. Meredith surely doesn't. Dinner is a quiet affair, the kids' light subdued as tiredness gets the best of them, and they are almost reluctant to get up and go play as Meredith sets up the computer for the Skype call.

Derek is quicker than usual to accept the call, the beige wall of his apartment in DC as his usual background, a concerned expression marring his features.

He looks tired, maybe just as tired as she feels, and she doesn't know what to feel. At this point of the day, she's just too tired to feel anything.

“Where have you been?” Derek's greeting takes her aback, makes her frown.  “I've tried calling you at least five times to see if you could Skype tonight.”

“I'm here, aren’t I?”

Derek huffs, but the first hints of an argument dissolve into the air.

“How are the kids?” Derek asks softly, but before he can get an answer out of her, they both hear a piercing cry coming from the living room and a desperate call for Meredith's presence.

Zola shows up at Meredith's side in a flash. “I did nothing, Mama. Bay kicked my doll.”

Meredith sighs, trying not to snap and be the collected mother Zola needs. “I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose, you know how unsteady he is.”

Almost as if he should be proving a point, Bailey crawls over them, propping himself up by using the chair near Meredith's legs, then promptly falls on his diaper.

“Are the kids still up?” Derek frowns, his gaze falling on his watch.

Both children's heads snap to the screen as they hear their father's voice, and they both grin in recognition, waving their little hands and calling his name, telling him about their days the best they can.

“Daddy, Daddy, you comin' home for my birfday?” Zola asks, bouncing on her heels in expectations.

“I'll be there, baby girl.” Derek smiles, a smile Meredith is sure he only has for the kids. At least he still loves them just like the very first day. At least they have a father that loves them, even on the other side of the country. “Now, why don't you guys go back playing quietly, I need to talk to your mama about boring work stuff.”

“Eww,” Zola cringes, giggling as she grabs Bailey by his hand. “C'mon Bay, I don't wanna hear boring work stuff.”

Bailey follows her lead, crawling and giggling like mad.

Meredith sighs, her eyes meeting Derek's when the children have disappeared in their playroom.

“I will be there for her birthday, I promise,” Derek says solemnly, almost as if he needs to prove the point to Meredith.

“I know.”

“It's just...never mind.” Derek sighs, his eyes darting away from the monitor for a moment.

“I found the present we were looking for, I have it with me.” Derek smiles gently. “That's why I wanted to call you.”

“Great, I'm glad.”

“Do you even care what the thing looks like?”

Meredith shakes her head, too tired to let the bitterness of his words sting too much. Derek seems completely oblivious to her exhaustion.

“Why are the kids still up at ten, Meredith?” he asks, sounding every bit like the father he is. Except, he's not her father.

“Because I was working. Like you asked me to. Until I can cure death.”

Derek rolls his eyes. “You should get home to get the kids into bed on time.”

“I try, Derek. Every single night something comes up. It's just me, you know?”

“You were the one so adamant in sending me off on the other side of the country.” He seethes.

“Let's stop fighting that fight, I'm tired.” Meredith shakes her head, sighing loudly, pinching her nose between her eyes.

“So am I.”

A moment of long silence stretches awkwardly between them, only the far away voices of the kids filling it.

“I'm going to be home at around two tomorrow, if they don't delay our flight.”

“Okay. Do you need to be picked up? Because I don't think I can be there on time.”

“Are you sure you can't make it?”

“I can try to free up my schedule, but I'd have to go back later, most likely.”

“It's just...my mother would really like to spend some time with you.”

Meredith stares at him for a long moment, dumbfounded. Maybe the audio is doing tricks again, or maybe she's just too tired. Carolyn couldn't possibly coming with him without her knowing that.

“Your mother?”

“Yeah, she's coming down with her train then we'll fly together from DC since it's cheaper.” His voice is almost neutral, maybe even a little happy at the mere idea of seeing his mother, when he clearly doesn't see the train wreck he's about to slam into.

“She can't.”

Derek's eyes widen. “What? Why?”

“I can't do it. The house is a mess.”

“I can see that,” he snickers, getting fired up. “You have time.”

“No I don't, because in less than ten hours I'll be back at work and then I'll stay there.”

“Of course, it takes more than ten minutes to wash the mountain of dishes in the sink, you're right.”

Meredith's blood boils in her veins. “What is your problem?”

“What was it tonight? Pizza? Chinese?”

“It's none of your business!”

“It is, if my children are surviving on fast food!”

“Right, because you were so kind to leave us food. Poor martyr.” Meredith's mocking tone sends him spiraling into anger, and she can see his body twitching not to snap at her.

“Meredith...”

“Your food disappeared by week one, Derek! And since then, I was home barely enough to go grocery shopping twice. Once, I only brought milk and eggs, the other time, Bailey had a blowout in his diaper and I had to leave with half of the stuff before he could be all covered in poop. I apologize for feeding your kids cereal for dinner.” Derek is about to say something, but he can barely open his mouth before she gets more words in. “Now, if you excuse me, I need to put your kids to bed.”

And a second later Derek's image disappears from the screen.

She slams the laptop lid down on the keyboard. She exhales, turning around to find her almost four-year-old daughter already dressed in her purple Tinkerbell pajamas. “I not tired,” Zola announces. “It’s almost my birfday! I almost four. I a big girl.”

Meredith smiles, struggling to stay upset even though he had just questioned her parenting skills and continuously manages to speak to her like she is his teenage daughter rather than his wife who is supposed to be his equal. She doesn’t know how anyone can stay mad when they have an adorable face like Zola’s peering up at them.

“Well, you’re not four yet,” and a big grin fills Meredith’s face, and a week’s worth of worries vanishes in that second. “So,” Meredith adds, bending over to lift her child up. “You’re still a little girl, and little girls need sleep.”  
  


“But I’m not sleepy!” Zola protests, sticking her lip out.

“You might not be sleepy, but Mommy is sleepy,” Meredith insists in the midst of a yawn.

“Then Mommy go to bed, and I stay up,” Zola argues persistently. Even though she isn’t their biological child, Zola has managed to acquire both of her parents’ stubbornness. When Zola has made up her mind about something, she will do anything to get it.

  
  
Meredith carries Zola into the playroom, where she finds her toddler son passed out on the floor. Even though her daughter isn’t tired, her son clearly is. Meredith is reluctant to move him, because she dreads the possibility of waking him, but she knows it must be done. She sets Zola down and embarks on the journey of moving Bailey from the playroom floor to his bedroom. Gently and carefully, she lifts him into her arms and carries him into his room, placing him in his crib. She heaves a sigh of a relief as she sets Bailey on his back and his eyes remain closed. It can’t be this easy, she thinks. Bailey rolls over on his side, and Meredith is convinced he will wake. She swallows, preparing herself to handle a fussy baby, but he doesn’t even open his eyes. Meredith breathes a sigh of relief. Mission accomplished. She tiptoes quietly out of her son’s nursery.

Zola proves to be more difficult. She’s in her room now already sifting through her clothes.

“Zozo, what are you doing?” Meredith asks her child.

Zola exclaims, “Picking out my birthday outfit!”

Meredith frowns, looking at the clock on the wall. It’s past eleven o’clock now. It’s well past Zola’s normal bed time now. Then again, it’s not like she has a normal bed time these days. Meredith worries that if she doesn’t get her daughter to bed soon that she’ll be difficult to wake up tomorrow and will be cranky during her birthday party. And no one wants a cranky birthday girl.

“Zola,” Meredith smirks, having an idea. “How would you like to open one of your birthday presents early?”

“Really? Can I?” Zola’s eyes light up.

“Sure, why not?” Meredith grins. “But first you need to get into bed. You can only have the gift if you’re in bed.”

Zola is already snuggled into the comforter, eyes closed, before Meredith can blink.

“How can I see the pwesent if I’m sleeping?” Zola wonders out loud, finally forcing a giggle out of Meredith’s lips.

“You can open your eyes, Zozo, Mommy needs to go get the present first.”

“Okey dokey!” Zola grins, sitting up a little.

She plays with the polka dots sheets, curling it and uncurling it in her fists, her excitement blubbering by the second, her eyes sparkling when Meredith comes back with a lumpy bag the size of a pillow, but thicker and rounder around the edges. Zola bounces a little in her spot, looking up at her mother in expectation.

“Alright,” Meredith says, sighing loudly. “This is a very special present, Zola.”

Zola nods, her excitement not dampened by the solemn words of her mother. Unlike what Meredith expected, Zola pulls slowly at the tape messily stuck to the gift, the improbable shape of the present making her miss Derek even more. After all the nieces and nephews he has, he’s a pro gift-wrapper; this is another thing she sucks at.

Zola turns the gift around, trying to find the upper side, then she finally manages to push the paper aside and reveal a doll. Her eyes are full of questions when she looks up at Meredith, clearly knowing that this was not in the list of gifts she tried to bargain for.

“This was Mommy’s doll when she was a little girl like you are.” Meredith explains, touching the flimsy, a little worn out hospital gown of Anatomy Jane.

“I can’t play with your toys, Mama. You gotta play with them.”

Meredith grins at the stupor on her daughter’s face. “Look,” she explains, lifting up the gown and showing the detachable organs. “This is a special doll. This doll has all the organs like a real person, she’s just smaller. Little girl sized.”

“I’m a little girl.”

“That’s why I’m giving it to you,” Meredith says with a smile. “Her name is Anatomy Jane.”

“She’s pretty, Mama.”

“Do you like your gift?”

Zola nods eagerly, removing the plastic belly, then touching all the colorful organs. “I wanna know all the names of the things she gots inside!”

“All together they are called organs, but it’s too late to explain all of them tonight.” Meredith caresses her cheek slowly while Zola pokes Anatomy Jane’s liver. “We’ll study her better tomorrow, okay?”

Zola sighs, disappointed.

“Wanna know one more secret?” Meredith grins, trying to lift Zola’s spirit. “Mama made up all the names when she was a little girl.”

Meredith winks, kissing the crown of Zola’s head as the little girl giggles, squishing the doll closer to her chest as mother and daughter share a hug.

“Can she go to sleep in my bed tonight?” Zola asks, her eyes already wide and pleading with her.

“Of course.” Meredith grins, squeezing her daughter one more time. Even if the house is a mess, her husband is an idiot and life seems to be crumbling under her feet, Zola is still there, loving her, looking at her like she’s the center of the world, her lighthouse in the storm, and nothing will ever compare to that feeling.

“Is it my biftday in the mowning when I open my eyes?” Zola mumbles into Meredith’s shirt, before she pulls away from her and slides down under the covers.

“It is, Zozo.”

“I’m gonna be four.” Zola perks up, but allows Meredith to lay her head on the pillow.

“Yeah.” Meredith hums, caressing Zola’s back in circles, then rubbing her neck right under her ear, Zola’s eyes closing in bliss. “One more sleep, though.” Meredith’s voice is now barely a whisper, Zola sighing contentedly under her touch.

“I gonna have a pawty?” Zola’s words become hazy as sleeps drags her under, her lips opening in a yawn at the very last word.

“A great party.” Meredith smiles, keeping up the relaxing motions, as Zola’s breathing evens out.

“I wub ya, Mama,” Zola murmurs in the quiet of the room, blinking one last time.

Zola is barely conscious when Meredith replies: “I love you too, baby girl.”

Meredith listens to her soft breathing, watches her chest rise and fall, rise and fall, rise and fall, as she feels her own blanket of exhaustion pulling her under, Zola’s hands still curled tightly around Anatomy Jane. Her brain is still so wired after the day she had, and she doesn’t feel like leaving Zola’s room just yet.

She doesn’t want to be Ellis. She can’t be Ellis.

Surely, she’s stressed out, the kids go to bed at unreasonable hours and the house looks like a war zone, but she made time to give Zola her gift. She tries to give both her children some alone time with her, though these days it’s almost impossible for her, and she loves them. She’s sure Ellis loved her, but  Meredith could never tell for certain, not before discovering another side of her mother.

As she tried to juggle two kids, a house and a very demanding job alone, she realized how much her mother had on the plate after she left Thatcher, and that in fact she just...prioritized. She would have liked to be her priority, much like her kids are a priority for her, but her mother made a choice, and they had to live with it.

These days her brain is so messed up she sometimes wonders what it would have been like if her mother had kept the baby and she would have grown up side by side with Maggie. It would surely have made her lonely Boston nights a little more lively. She’s glad that Zola and Bailey have each other, no matter how dirty they fight some days, or how epically she’s going to screw up at some point if she can’t catch a break.

“Goodnight Zola, sleep tight,” she whispers, before placing one last kiss on Zola’s forehead, careful not to jostle the mattress too much as she stands up.

Zola doesn’t move a muscle.

Meredith exits the room to check on Bailey one last time. The little boy is still asleep, curled up in a ball, his socked left foot peeking out from under the blanket, his deep breathing akin to a snore.

She listens to his little sounds, closing her eyes, trying to keep her tears at bay, her head going to dangerous places.

She slips out of his room when she feels like she can barely breathe, taking a minute to gather herself out of the nursery’s door, leaning against the wall, trying to keep herself upright. She can’t sleep just yet, no matter how tired she is.

The weight of the matter in her eyes makes it difficult for her to stay awake. She thinks of Derek, feeling somewhat bad for snapping at him earlier. It’s past midnight in Seattle, which means it’s three in the morning in Washington DC. She’s certain he’s asleep now, but that doesn’t stop her from returning to her laptop and propping up her computer screen.

 

She thinks about the hell of a week, no: the hell of a month, she’s had with Derek away. The worst of it just happened to blow up a few days ago when she realized she was late. She hadn’t told Derek. The last thing she wanted was to get him riled up for nothing, and it had in fact been for nothing. She’d taken three tests and all were, fortunately, negative. Meredith isn’t able to begin to fathom what she would have done had the tests been positive. Now, with Derek in DC, it was the worst possible timing to expand their family. Also, considering the fact that they had been close enough once in the past three months - the night before he left - in which they’d even had the chance to conceive a baby, the universe would have surely been mocking her if the tests were positive.

Meredith is taken aback when she sees Derek is still online. First, she wonders if he’s just left his iPad on or his computer on. She knows that Skype will keep you logged into a device as long as it’s on and you haven’t logged out of Skype. She swallows, debating on if she should call him back and try to end things on a good note. The thought of him flying when her last words weren’t so kind terrifies her, considering their history with planes.

So, she calls him, and she’s shocked when he answers shortly after. It’s dark on the other end, so she can’t see him clearly. Quickly, he turns his video off so his picture replaces the darkness.

“You just got the kids down?” he asks.

She rolls her eyes. Her video is still on, so she knows that he can see her rolling her eyes. “Yes, Derek, I just got the kids down, because your daughter is excited about her birthday. She didn’t want to sleep. She’s stubborn like her father.”

“And her mother,” Derek notes. “Look, if you just called to argue - ”

“I didn’t,” she says, her voice softer. “I called to apologize, okay?”

“Apologize?” Derek questions, dumbfounded.

“I snapped earlier, and I know you have the best intentions. The kids’ well-being is what’s most important. I get it, I do. And I’m trying, Derek. I really am.  Derek, I can’t do it anymore,” she sighs.

“I’m lost, Meredith. You’re the one who said I should go to DC. In fact, you insisted that I come here. You wouldn’t have it any other way. Isn’t Amy helping you?” Derek inquires.

“She is when she can. Usually in the mornings with breakfast and getting the kids ready, but she’s also swamped running the Neuro department. There’s only so much she can do. She’s just the aunt, Derek. You can only expect her to do so much,” Meredith explains rationally. “And that’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Then what are you talking about?”

Silence erupts. Meredith swallows difficultly.

“Earlier this week,” she begins to confide, “I thought I was pregnant.”

“You what?” he gasps. “Wait. Thought. You’re not?”

“No,” she breathes steadily. “No, I’m not. I took three tests. All negative, thankfully. That’s the last thing we need on our plates right now, and that’s exactly what I can’t do anymore. Derek, we’re swamped, and I love both of our children to death. But I can’t do it. I can’t cure death if I’m chasing a houseful of children. So...I was thinking about making an appointment with my OB to get my tubes tied.” The words just slip out in the heat of the moment. She’s frustrated and exhausted. The thought has crossed her mind many times since the scare, though she hasn’t actually contemplated revealing those thoughts to Derek.

“You what?” Derek barks instantly. “What? Don’t you think you should discuss this with me before making a decision that involves prohibiting us from ever expanding our family? I’m not always going to be in DC. You’re not always going to be swamped at work. What if in two or three years we decide we want to have another baby? Tying your tubes is permanent, Meredith! Aren’t you on the pill?”

“Okay, first off, what does it look like I’m doing, Derek? I haven’t done it yet. Unlike you, who accepts job positions on all continents without talking to your wife, I am talking to you before I make a decision, since you apparently missed the memo. Two, no form of birth control is one hundred percent reliable. You can get pregnant on the pill. You’re a doctor, you know this.  The only thing that’s one hundred percent reliable is abstinence.”

“And you seem to be pretty good at practicing that. Three months, Meredith. We have sex once in three months, and now you’re bringing this up? We used to have sex several times a week, and you weren’t worried about getting pregnant then. Why are you worried about it now?”

“Maybe because you’re in DC? Maybe because I want to have a career too? Maybe because it’s my damn body, and it’s my choice?” Meredith scoffs. “Derek, I almost died giving birth to Bailey. I don’t want to go through that again. I’m not saying we can never expand our family. We can always adopt if and when the time feels right. I don’t want another accident, and I certainly I don’t want to risk getting pregnant again only to miscarry or risk my life or the baby’s. It’s not worth it.”

“But you didn’t die, and we have a healthy baby boy. You’re calling him an accident?” Derek abruptly demands

“No!” she gasps at the accusation, immediately frustrated by Derek’s selective hearing and twisting of her words. “I love Bailey, and I wouldn’t trade him for the world.”

She hears him heave a loud, obnoxious sigh. “You know what, Meredith. Do whatever you want. You’re going to get your way no matter what, because you always do. You got to stay in Seattle just like you wanted. You even got me out of the way. Meredith gets what Meredith wants. My opinion is invaluable.”

“That’s not true,” Meredith protests.

“Clearly it is. It’s three-thirty in the morning, and I’m going to bed. Goodnight, Meredith.”

His picture fades away as the call ends.

Meredith swallows a wad of spit in her throat. Mission “make things better with Derek” before going to sleep had resulted in the opposite effect.

She studies the mess that surrounds the house, specifically eying the pile of dirty dishes. It becomes clear to her that she won’t be sleeping tonight. She shuts down the laptop and places it in its computer bag and puts it away. Meredith returns to the kitchen and begins loading the dishwasher. Fortunately, she hasn’t used any pots and pans, so loading the dishwasher comes easy. Unfortunately, she has so many bowls, cups, and plates that there isn’t enough room in the dishwasher for all of them, so she will have to do some by hand.

As she starts the dishwasher, she hears the turn of the front doorknob. Within moments, her sister-in-law groggily walks through the front door. She’s carrying a purple and pink Polka dotted gift bag in her hand.

* * *

 

Amelia enters the house, unable to ignore the fact that it looks like a tornado has torn through all layers of the usually tidy home. She’s fairly certain that it looks worse than it did the first time she babysat for Derek and Meredith. Now, she’s alarmed to find her sister-in-law still wide awake and apparently doing the dishes. In her scrubs. It doesn’t take a medical degree for Amelia to realize something isn’t quite right with Meredith. She notices the bags of dark circles surrounding Meredith’s eyes. Morose. Glum. Distress. It all reads on Meredith’s face.

They’ve barely crossed paths in the last week due to their hectic, busy schedules. Amelia feels for Meredith, knowing she’s struggling to raise two young children with Derek away and also somehow managing to keep up with a high demanding surgical career. Amelia doesn’t know how she does it. Admittedly, seeing her brother and his wife struggling only confirms for Amelia that she was right to leave James. There was no way it would have worked. She is nowhere as strong as Derek, and if Derek is struggling, then she doesn’t stand a chance at making a career and a family life coincide.  

“Hey,” she greets Meredith. She scopes the room carefully. “The munchkins are asleep?”

Meredith nods. “Yeah.”

“Oh, good. Then I have time to hide the gift I got Zola,” Amelia smiles. She holds up the bag, which carries the gift she had purchased her niece at the mall on her lunch hour. It had been so long since Amelia had had the opportunity to shop for a girl Zola’s age. She hadn’t known what to get her. Her sisters never let her near their children, since according to them, she was a bad influence. Charlotte’s girls are much younger than Zola; they’re a few months older than Bailey. “Want to see what I got her? Then you can let me know if you think she’ll hate it and I can take it back.”

“I doubt she’ll hate it,” Meredith replies nonchalantly. “Zola’s easily pleased. You can’t go wrong.”  

Amelia pulls out the purple apron. She unfolds it, revealing the princess design on the front of the apron.  “What do you think? Zola’s always wanting to help out in the kitchen. I thought she’d like her own apron.”

“She’ll love it,” Meredith nods with approval.

“I hope so. I’m trying to win Aunt of the Year,” Amelia smirks. “I think the competition is pretty tight. I worked with your sister tonight…”

“Don’t call her that,” Meredith rolls her eyes.  “She’s not my sister.”

“Okay, then, I worked with the woman who once shared the same womb as you…”

“Don’t,” Meredith’s face fills with disgust. “That’s gross.”

“Right, well, I sort of mentioned Zola’s birthday is tomorrow...well, today...and Maggie thought she might get Zola a gift. I didn’t tell her about the party because I know you want it to be small, and that wasn’t my place, but…”

“Well, I’ll just have to tell her that she doesn’t need to get Zola a gift. Why would she? That’s weird. She’s met Zola like twice.” Meredith wrinkles her forehead.

“Right, yeah, weird. I shouldn’t have said anything. I needed someone to bounce gift ideas off with, and she was there,” Amelia sighs.  She moves to her room, where she hides Zola’s gift in the closet then changes into a pair of sweats. When she returns to the kitchen, Meredith is rounding up all the dishes in the house. Amelia joins in helping her.  “What are you doing up so late? It’s like one in the morning.”

“If you can’t tell, the house is a mess. I’m cleaning it, because otherwise it won’t be clean tomorrow,” Meredith responds dryly, moving the remaining dishes to one side of the sink so she can fill the other side with soap and water.  Meanwhile, Amelia begins picking up the toys in the living room.

“Oh, right. Derek’s coming home tomorrow,” Amelia observes. “But he’s seen the house on Skype. Surely he can’t expect it to be in pristine condition. I know he’s Derek, and he’s an ass, but he won’t be too bent out of a shape over a messy house.”

“Not just Derek. Your mother is coming tomorrow, too,” Meredith blurts out.

Amelia freezes, feeling every limb in her body go numb.

“My mother is coming? What? No! She can’t.”

Amelia hasn’t seen her mother since her medical school graduation,  the day her mother oh so vibrantly made the comment that she never expected the black sheep of the family to graduate college, much less medical school. The same day she and her mother had gotten into a heated argument over topics Amelia can’t remember now; she just remembers telling her mother to stay out of her life. Amelia knows that her mother has never forgiven her for the decisions she’s made. Carolyn Shepherd never understood how Amelia could be so selfish: How her youngest daughter could turn against her after she’d done everything in her power as a single widowed mother to make sure her children had everything life could offer. Amelia knows that her mother sees her as a disgrace to the entire Shepherd family.

“She’s taking the Amtrak into DC tomorrow and flying to Seattle with Derek,” Meredith enlightens Amelia.

  
  
“You’ve got to be freaking kidding me,” Amelia spits.

The storm hasn’t even begun.

****  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Derek doesn’t actually remember sleeping that night. He remembers lying on his back in his cold empty bed, watching the shadows within his apartment until  his alarm shrieks, piercing his ears to tell him it’s time to get out of bed. His eyeballs weigh heavily their sockets as he rolls over on his side and blankly stares out the window into the glaring night lights. Even though it’s still dark outside, luminosity fills the streets of Washington DC. It’s a very different setting from his home in Seattle. At home, night is night. Darkness is darkness. The only hints of light come from the moon and the stars on Seattle’s few clear nights. In DC, the light never dims outside of his apartment.

 

It’s hard being away from his family. He never wanted this. He hates it, in fact. But it is what it is, for now.

 

Breakfast is a no-go. He doesn’t have time. His mother’s train is due to arrive at Union Station at seven o’clock. Fortunately, Union Station has plenty of restaurant and snack venues, so he figures he and his mother can stop for breakfast before taking the Metro to Reagan, where their plane is scheduled to depart at ten DC time. If all goes well, he and his mother will land in Seattle around one p.m. Seattle time.

 

If all goes well, Derek swallows, being forced to recollect the dispute he’d had with Meredith last night and early this morning.

 

He understands why Meredith is upset about his mother coming on such short notice. Admittedly, he’d been a bit shocked himself. But he couldn’t just tell her no.  She is his mother, after all, and he never gets to see her. She’s always been good at keeping herself busy. Carolyn Shepherd isn’t someone you say no to.

 

Unfortunately, she’s just like his sisters: Terrible at giving advanced notices.

 

At least she gives notices; his sisters don’t even do that. Amy, Nancy, and Lizzie had all shown up in Seattle without even warning him first; Amy had done it multiple times, her last visit turning into a permanent affair, not that he was complaining. He likes having her around. Well, more often than not anyway. He’d been the one who initially asked her to stay, though he hadn’t actually expected her to stay.

 

Had Meredith bothered to answer her phone yesterday, he wouldn’t have had to wait until ten o’clock the night before his mother planned on arriving to tell her his mother is coming.

 

Sometimes, he doesn’t understand how she can be such a menacing hypocrite. She fusses about him dropping bombshells on her without discussing them with her beforehand, and then she wonders why he doesn’t: Because when she makes up her mind about something, there’s no changing it. There’s no point in discussing anything with her, because it’s either her way or the highway.

 

He arrives at Union Station at quarter to seven, holding only the bag that houses Zola’s birthday present in it. The present Meredith hadn’t cared to see.

 

The sun has started to rise over the nation’s capital. He walks up the silver steps, acknowledging the tall pillar tunnels that surround the setting.

 

With all that’s on his mind, Derek doesn’t even want to think about the bombshell that she had dropped on him in the early morning hours. They have not exactly talked about having more children. Meredith is right. They have their hands tied right now. Adding another child to their already hectic lives would not be a smart move. However, he comes from a large family. He’s used to being surrounded by a houseful of children at the holidays. Moving to Seattle had been difficult at first, especially the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without his family, both of which he’d spent at the hospital with Meredith.

 

He loves her so much, sometimes to the point it hurts to love her. He loves her, even when he hates her. She can be difficult. He gets that. He knew that before they were married. But that didn’t stop him from loving her.  That doesn’t stop him from loving her, still.

 

He is having a hard time wrapping his head around the reason she would want to close off any and all possibility that they may have of making another biological child in the future. Life is difficult now, but it won’t always be difficult. They just have to ride out the storm. Derek doesn’t doubt that they’ll get through it and that they’ll come out stronger. They always do.

 

What if in two or three years their lives tone down, and they decide that they want to create another child together? Conceiving Bailey had been a challenge, and they’d both given up hope of ever having a biological child together by the time he came around. They had made Bailey together, though, and Derek doesn’t doubt that they could make another baby too.

 

Clearly, Meredith doesn’t either, otherwise she wouldn’t be considering something so extreme to prevent it from happening.

  
Does she really not have hope? Hope that this phase in their marriage will pass? She was so adamant about him leaving Seattle, like she really didn’t want him around; and then there was the whole deal where she wouldn’t even let him even touch her for three months. They hadn’t gone that long without having sex since they’d actually gotten back together for good. Three months was their new record, surpassing their previous record of three weeks earlier that year when he’d first been called by the president. Three weeks was too long. It’s hard to believe that he’s been away from home for three and a half weeks, though. Three months felt like an eternity.

 

Derek doesn’t know what to think anymore. He feels like he’s slowly losing her. Like she’s slowly slipping away before his eyes. His heart aches miserably at the thought of that dreadful notion.

 

Gate A, he recollects, hoping he correctly remembers the gate that his mother had told him. The conversation is such a blur at this moment. It was early yesterday morning before he’d gone to work. His mother had surprised him as he was getting out of the shower. The next thing he had known, she was insisting she come to Seattle with him to attend Zola’s birthday party.

 

She’d told him that she needed to see her grandbabies, specifically the birthday girl, and she also wanted to check up on her youngest daughter. Amy apparently isn’t returning her calls, which doesn’t come as a surprise to Derek. After all, Amy hadn’t even told their mother that she had moved to Seattle. He had let it slip, assuming Amy might have the courtesy and common sense to keep their mother up-to-date on her whereabouts herself. Then again, courtesy and common sense were never two of Amy’s strong points.

 

“Derek!” He freezes when he hears his mother’s voice calling his name. Turning around, he sees her walking toward him, holding a large bag - not too big for carry-on, though - and her purse.

 

“Ma,” he grins, walking toward her and welcoming his mother with a hug.  He takes the large bag from her, noting it has to be at least twenty pounds.  

 

“Well, are you ready to do some major shopping, son? I didn’t catch the early train for nothing.” His mother beams.

 

“We don’t have a ton of time, Ma,” he laughs, looking at his watch. “We have about two hours before we need to catch the Metro to head to Reagan.” He pulls up the Metro schedule on his iPhone. From Union Station, they would need to take the red line to Gallery Place and then change to the yellow line to go to Reagan. Learning to read the Metro map in DC had been one of Derek’s biggest challenges when he first began his travels to the nation’s capital. If possible, he tries to avoid taking the Metro. He generally takes cabs, though in this case, taking the Metro would be more convenient. Plus, he knows his mother has always had a weird fascination with subways. One thing is for certain: they are much cleaner than the New York subways.

 

“A lot can be done in two hours, my dear.” His mother chuckles as they walk past Au Bon Pain.

 

“Our plane leaves at ten, so we should catch the red line around nine-thirty,” Derek continues as his nose is tantalized by the aroma of  freshly baked goods. He looks at his mother, who is clearly indulging in the scent herself. Her eyes widen as she walks toward the pastries.

 

“Oh, my word!” his mother gasps, gaping at a giant Danish pastry. “I think that’s the largest Danish I’ve ever seen! Please tell me you haven’t eaten breakfast, Derek.”

 

Derek’s stomach churns, rotating in an uneasy vertigo. His argument with Meredith coupled with the stress of traveling -- he never eats before flying -- has him feeling too sick to eat.

 

“I’m not hungry, Mom,” Derek insists.

 

“Well, at least have a cup of coffee with me, boy. You look like you’re about to peel over at any minute, and you’re much too big for me to carry,” Carolyn Shepherd says with a smirk on her face. “You know, I carried you in this very spot when you were Zola’s age.”

 

“You did?” Derek asks.

 

“I did,” Carolyn nods. “Your father and I thought it would be fun to take you and your sisters to DC for the weekend. You cried the entire time.”

 

He doesn’t remember the trip that his mother is referring to. But he still hasn’t figured out how his mother managed to raise five children after their father died. He and Meredith can barely handle two when they’re together.

 

His stomach boils. He understands the weight he’s left on Meredith’s shoulders these past weeks.

 

She wanted this, though, he tells himself. He shouldn’t have to feel guilty. She asked him to leave. She did not have to do this on her own. She created this mess. He could have stayed. He could have turned the job down. In fact, he did turn the job down for her.  

 

“And you’ll resent the kids and me for the rest of your life,” Meredith’s voice screams in his head. It was a fight they’d fought too long, a fight that could only be settled by him letting go and moving to DC, even if it meant leaving his family behind.

 

He agrees to have a cup of coffee with his mother, hoping it’ll wake him up a little. They sit down at a small table, sitting directly across from each other.

 

“I’ll save some of this for the plane,” Carolyn tells him. She had gone ahead and purchased the large Danish that she had swooned over. “There is no way I can eat all of this.” She laughs. Meanwhile, he slowly sips at his coffee. Admittedly, he is starting to feel a little bit better.

 

He drinks his coffee silently. His head buzzes as the caffeine enters his bloodstream.

 

“You sure you don’t want some?” she asks, pushing the pastry toward him.

 

He declines by shaking his head.

 

“So.” His mother begins steadily, taking another bite of her pastry.  “Are you going to tell your mother why you’re so tired this morning?”

 

He exhales. “I was up late,” he admits, adding, “talking to Meredith on Skype.” He doesn’t feel it’s necessary to divulge any further details of his and Meredith’s conversation. Though, he worries his mother will be able to sense something is off. His mother has a way of knowing these things.

 

Maybe he and Meredith can pull it off. Better yet, maybe the storm will have blown over by the time he and his mother arrive in Seattle. Maybe Meredith didn’t actually mean she wanted to get her tubes tied. Maybe she was just stressed out and saying it in the heat of the moment. They’ve both said things they didn’t mean in the heat of the moment.

 

“Ah.” His mother nods. “I had a hunch it might be something like that. I tell you, you kids have it made with all your technology. You know, I met your father in the Navy. We would at times go months and months without seeing or talking to each other. Our only form of communication? Good ol’ snail mail. I remember how my heart used to skip a beat every time I received a letter from him.” She sighs. “Of course, then there was the Dear John letter your father sent me.”

 

“Dad sent you a Dear John letter?” Derek asks blankly.

 

“He did,” his mother nods. “We’d been apart more than we’d been together. We’d seen each other twice in the past year, the last being about three months before. He was scheduled for another twelve-month tour. He wanted to set me free, as he worded it in the letter. Well, you can see how that worked out.”

 

“What happened? How did you work it out?” Derek asks, rubbing his forehead.

 

“I found out I was pregnant with Katie.” His mother smiles. Derek’s eyes widen. His mother chuckles. “As soon as your father found out, he cancelled his tour. We both left the Navy, and we settled in that small Connecticut town  you and your sisters were born and raised in.”

 

Derek’s stomach flutters.

 

“Well, I can’t eat any more,” his mother divulges, wrapping the Danish in her napkin. She gently places it in her purse. “Let’s shop.”

 

Derek groans before getting up.

 

“Don’t look so pouty. You’ve always hated shopping. Just like your father. It’s not a manly thing to do, I know. But you can suck it up and shop with your mama for an hour.” His mother’s voice is stern and determined.

 

He trudges behind his mother as they scope out the various Union Station stores. His mother ends up spending most of her time in H&M.  

 

“Now, that is just adorable.” His mother refers to a long-sleeved blue sweater with a deer printed on the front. “Maddie would love it. Maybe they’ll hold it until I get back from Seattle.” Maddie being Nancy’s youngest daughter. “Oh, do you think Zola would like these?” She’s referring to a pair of purple high heels.

 

“She would love them,” Derek says, “but I have a feeling that you have at least ten presents in this bag that I’m carrying, judging by the weight of it.”

 

“Only nine,” his mother corrects. “I was going for an even ten, though.”

 

“If you get anything else, it won’t fit on the plane,” Derek protests.

 

“You have a point.” She frowns.

 

Derek glances at his watch. “We really need to go.”

 

After a little more prodding, Carolyn Shepherd finally complies and they make it to the subway just in time to catch a train heading to Gallery Place. Derek uses his Fast Pass to get through the gates. In DC, it’s a dollar cheaper to ride the Metro buses and trains if you’ve got a Fast Pass. His mother purchases a paper ticket, and they’re on their way.

 

Gallery Place is only two stops after Union Station.  After switching trains, Derek checks his phone to make sure the plane is still on schedule. It is, so they don’t have much time to spare.

 

The Metro Rail stop at Reagan is one of the few in DC that is actually above ground. A large sign that reads Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport is visible when they step off the train. The airport is in plain view across the street.

 

His mother is quick to jump on the “moving floor” as they enter the airport. Normally, Derek would laugh at this, because he thinks it shows how lazy Americans have become. They can’t even move their feet to walk across the floor. Today, Derek doesn’t laugh, though. He is too tired, so he joins his mother and blissfully enjoys a few moments of standing still as the floor takes him from one side of the hall to the other.

 

After retrieving their tickets and passing through security, they’re finally in the waiting area. Derek checks the board again to see if their flight has begun boarding, since it’s close to the time that it should.

 

Delta Flight 362 to Seattle: Delayed until 10:20.

 

Twenty minutes. Their flight is delayed twenty minutes. He cringes. Okay, twenty minutes isn’t much. Actually, it’s a good thing. It gives him time to catch his breath.

 

He tells his mother about the delay and they take a seat not far from the gate. For the first time that morning, he looks at his phone secretly hoping Meredith might have texted him. Nope, he’s not surprised to see she hasn’t. Instead, it’s Amy who has texted him.

 

I am going to kill you, the text reads. He sighs.

 

Why? He texts back, figuring Meredith has informed her about their mother’s surprise visit.

 

You know why, Amy replies instantly. Yep. She knows.

 

Don’t be mad at me. Maybe you should return Mom’s phone calls, he replies.

 

His mother is also looking at her phone. He notices she has the latest iPhone 6. He only only has an iPhone 5. He feels a little shamed by the fact his mother has newer technology than he does.

 

She’s smiling proudly at her phone. She turns the phone toward him, revealing a photo of a girl he barely recognizes, other than the fact she looks like a miniature version of his sister Kate. She’s holding a basketball.  “Natalie’s basketball team won their first round in the tournament this morning. They’re onto round two.”

 

“That’s great.” Derek feigns a smile. He’s happy for his niece, really. Hearing his mother talk about his sisters’ kids resonates with Derek, making him realize how much time really has passed. Maddie was in diapers the last time he saw her, and Natalie was just learning how to ride a bike. They grow up so fast.

 

His stomach twists into a knot, and he feels slightly ill. He’s thinking about how fast his own kids are growing. It’s been over three weeks. Three weeks is too long.

  
“Flight 362 to Seattle is now boarding,” a woman’s voice announces over the intercom.

 

Even though their last conversation ended on a bad note, he feels it’s important to keep Meredith up to date on his schedule. Before boarding the plane, he sends Meredith a quick text message.

 

He and his mother find their seats. She takes the window seat after placing her carry-on bag above.

  
Once they’re fully adjusted and comfortable in their seats, his mother whispers in his ear, “So, now that we’re situated, are you going to tell me why a husband and father who’s going to home to see his family for the first time in weeks looks so glum?”

* * *

 

In Seattle, that same morning, Meredith wonders if accepting the six-thirty appointment with her OB was a good idea while she wrestles with Zola’s shoes when the sun is not even out yet.

 

Okay, Dr. Ryan gave her the earliest opening, knowing her consult wouldn’t take long; she should be grateful she has an appointment on such short notice in the first place. Yet, the early morning wake up call, coupled with the late bedtime, makes for a very hostile household.

 

“Please Zola, put your shoes on,” Meredith says firmly, hands on her hips, staring down the girl, trying not to burst into tears or strangle her daughter. “On your feet, not on your hands. Or your head.”

 

“I want a song, Mama.” Zola pouts, frowning at her mother.

 

“What? You don’t need songs to wear your shoes.” Meredith regrets her sharp reply immediately, when Zola’s eyes darken and her bottom lip sticks out.

 

“You didn’t sing my birthday song,” she says, folding her arms over her chest.

 

Meredith freezes in her spot, swallowing a lump in her throat as her eyes widen in surprise. She was so wrapped up in her own stuff that she forgot her daughter turning four. Four years old. Ellis wasn’t there to wish her a happy birthday when she turned four either.

 

“I don’t wanna put my shoes on if you don’t sing the song.” Zola stands her ground, barefoot and fierce, standing tall in the middle of the foyer.

 

“Mama was waiting for the party to sing with all your friends, Zozo,” Meredith says, trying to make up for it, hoping that the damage is not too big just yet, wishing that horrible mothering wasn’t hereditary, apparently.

 

Zola scoffs,  but then wears her shoes, coming to stand next to Bailey as Meredith is zipping up his jacket. Meredith crouches in front of Zola then, smoothing down the lapels of her raincoat, then she smiles brightly, meeting her daughter’s sad eyes.

 

“Happy birthday to you,” she sings, her voice a low, happy murmur. “Happy birthday to you.” Zola’s smile finally appears, as Meredith tries to keep at bay the tears. “Happy birthday dear Zola; happy birthday to you!”

 

Zola laughs as Meredith showers her with kisses, holding her tightly, breathing her in, their coats rustling, their cheeks meshing in the closeness.

 

“You sing so pwetty, Mama.” Zola sighs, as Meredith pulls away from her. Her hands remain on her shoulders though, studying her daughter’s now four-year-old body, spotting all the littlest changes in her, how her baby features are making room for more little girl traits, and how much she doesn’t want to miss anything more of her.

 

“I love you so much, Zola.”

 

Zola giggles, kissing her mother’s nose, then she skips back to the couch to retrieve her Anatomy Jane. Meredith notices with a smile that it’s already her favorite toy.

 

Meredith leaves a note on the kitchen counter for Amelia, who is still in bed like any rational human being at this hour; especially considering they were both up until four in the morning cleaning. She tells her sister-in-law in the note that they’re all at the hospital, then that Derek and Carolyn will arrive around two or three that afternoon, depending on traffic. She hopes she won’t ask many questions about her early start. Today she can’t deal with questions.

 

Much for Meredith’s relief, the kids are still half asleep as they drive to Grey-Sloan, their babbles barely filling the silence of the cab. She parks in Derek’s reserved spot since it’s closer to the hospital; who cares if he’s not there, she might as well milk in the very few perks of being married to a hotshot neurosurgeon.

 

The kids scramble away from her to join their friends in daycare with nothing more than a peck on their cheeks each, though Bailey stays still long enough to be pulled into a gentle hug before he disappears through the maze of construction blocks and train tracks. Zola instead is a ball of energy, ready to celebrate her birthday with her daycare friends, cupcakes and party hats included.

 

Meredith sighs deeply when she waves goodbye to both teachers, then makes her way to the locker room to change into her scrubs before going down to Dr. Ryan’s office. She’s still settling her pager at the waistband of her pants when hears her name being called out around the the corner from the OB’s office, and she lets out a gentle smile at the person walking towards her.

 

“Good morning, Connie. Thank you for penciling me in,” Meredith greets her OB kindly, as they fall into step.

 

“It’s not a problem, Meredith. How are you doing?”

 

“Very busy these days.” Meredith sighs, trying not to divulge much more of her messy life. She tends to over share when put in the spotlight, damn rambling.

 

“I can imagine, with Derek being in DC and all.” Dr. Ryan shrugs, fishing in her bag for her office keys. “How’s Bailey?”

 

“Growing like a weed,” Meredith admits, smiling genuinely for the first time that day.

 

Dr. Ryan closes the door behind them, settling her stuff on her desk, then she looks at Meredith straight in the eye, a question in her eyes before it’s on her lips. “Why?”

 

Meredith lets out a bitter laugh. “Honestly?”

 

“Doctor-patient confidentiality.”

 

Meredith shakes her head, her lips curling up in a sad smile. “I had a scare last week. Three negative tests, and the only thing I could think about was how could I manage it all if I were indeed pregnant. I can’t juggle all these balls.”

 

“You know there are plenty of contraceptive methods that do their job.”

 

“Nothing is one hundred percent reliable.”

 

“Still, tying your tubes is surgery, Meredith.”

 

“And there’s going to be a surgery next time I get pregnant. Believe me, I’m that lucky.”

 

Dr. Ryan shakes her head, muffling a laugh. “Look, I need to evaluate the situation. For today I’ll just do a sonogram, then I’ll get back at you with the result and my opinion. If you really want to do it, I’ll be happy to help. You do need to think long and hard about this, though.”

 

“Of course.” Meredith nods, following Dr. Ryan’s directions to sit on the exam table, scrub pants slightly pulled down.

 

“We’ll also do a blood work, just to make sure nothing is wrong with you in general. How do you feel these days?”

 

“Tired, stressed out, pissed off.”

 

Dr. Ryan laughs. “Alright, blood first, sonogram later.”

 

Meredith braces herself for the needle, closing her eyes, wishing that this time Derek could be there holding her hand too. Except he’s fully against doing this, and even if they weren’t fighting this would have surely brought to light an argument.

 

She takes a deep breath, squeezing her eyes, trying not to pass out as she feels the needle prickling her skin. She’s glad it only lasts a second really, before Dr. Ryan announces that she’s done and that they can start with the sonogram.

 

“The results might take a couple of hours to process, even if I put a rush on it,” Dr. Ryan explains as she grabs the necessary instruments for the exam, settling Meredith in the perfect position.

 

“I can come back after rounds, if that’s not a problem.” Meredith nods in understanding, heaving a deep breath as Dr. Ryan starts the sonogram.

 

“I’ll have you paged.”

 

Dr. Ryan remains quiet for the rest of the exam then, her frown more marked by the second as she studies the screen. Meredith feels a little lost now that the screen is turned away from her and the neon light reflects on the screen.

 

“How many tests did you say you took?” Dr. Ryan asks gently, finally peeling her eyes off the screen.

 

“Three. Why?”

 

“I’m sure you know just as well as I do that false negatives are a lot more common than false positives when it comes to home pregnancy tests,” she begins, only to be interrupted by Meredith’s frown.

 

“I know that blood work is more reliable than those. Why are you saying that?” Meredith studies Dr. Ryan’s neutral expression, feeling a lump of worry rise in her throat.

 

Instead of answering, her doctor turns the screen towards her, letting out a small smile. “I’m pretty sure you can read sonograms on your own, am I right?”

 

Meredith’s jaw drops.

 

She’s not sure she can read sonograms anymore after seeing hers. She’s sure she might have stopped breathing for the second necessary for her brain to process the dark blob on the right side of the screen, though.

 

“I think we have to postpone the surgery either way,” says Dr. Ryan, grinning.

 

Meredith’s lungs stop working and she starts taking deeper and deeper breaths. She feels her eyes sting with unshed tears, her sternum pressing too tightly against her ribcage, making her muscles hurt. It’s like the most unwelcomed of tight hugs from a long lost aunt, which leaves her panting and nauseated.

 

Meredith closes her eyes, trying to steady her breaths, trying to block out the image of the embryo in her uterus, wishing there was a mistake in the sonogram, a mix up. It doesn’t need to be real as long as she keeps her eyes closed.

 

“Looks like you’re around five weeks along from here, Meredith.”

 

It cannot be real.

 

“I would like to wait for your blood work to confirm viability, though.”

 

It cannot be real.

 

“Slow, deep breaths.” She hears in Derek’s distinctive tone, the memory of a supply closet and a similar panic attack resurfacing behind the darkness of her eyelids, and she feels angry for thinking about him. Or well, for her brain for going there in the first place. Damn him, his stupidly soothing voice and his even more stupid boy penis.

 

She barely hears Dr. Ryan calling her name, her voice muffled like she were in water. Meredith’s brain is most likely swimming and doing tricks. Maybe she has a brain tumor and these are visions. Anything could be better than this.

 

She can’t deal with a baby now.

 

“Meredith.” Dr. Ryan touches her arm and brings her back into the room, forcing her eyes open, pushing aside Derek’s voice, much to Meredith’s relief. The numbness doesn’t want to go away, though.

 

“Okay, take a couple of hours to get over the shock, we’ll talk more in detail about the pregnancy when you come back after the blood work results are in,” Dr. Ryan coaches, and only then Meredith realizes that she’s still rubbing her back in slow circles to calm her down.

 

She hums something nonsensical, shaking her head, feeling the tears sting her eyes, then all of a sudden the numbness is gone and she only wants to flee.

 

The gods clearly have some mercy left for her, because her pager shrieks, breaking the surreal quiet. Dr. Ryan smiles gently, her own way to say that it’s okay for her to bolt.

 

It’s not like Meredith would have needed her permission.

 

She almost feels compelled to thank the guy down in the ER who slammed his car against a brick wall when she gets there, except he’s in and out of consciousness, the pain meds making him loopy.

 

“Hello, Mr. Kimball. I’m Dr. Grey,” she says as she waltzes in the trauma room, reading his history from the chart one of the interns hands her, trying to keep herself collected, her doctor mask fully on.

 

She feels so much like Ellis right in this second it makes her want to hurl.

 

“Wife. Ma wi-fe,” the man stutters, groaning in pain a second after.

 

“Keep still Mr. Kimball, your sternum is broken,” a voice interjects before Meredith can keep him calm herself. She turns around and in the corner she sees her second worst nightmare. Okay, maybe she wins the bronze since right now seeing Derek would be even worse.

 

Why Maggie freaking Pierce has to share brick wall guy with her? Fucked up universe.

 

“I can see free fluid in his abdomen,” Meredith addresses one of the residents in the case. “Please, book an OR for me.”

 

“I’m pretty sure we’ll have to work in tandem, his aorta is dissecting,” Maggie announces, making Meredith close her eyes and take a slow, deep breath.

 

This is going to be a very, very long day.

 

“Let’s roll, people,” Meredith orders, tearing off her yellow gown as the resident starts rolling the gurney out of the trauma room. Maggie pushes the gurney on the other side, once every few seconds trying to meet Meredith’s gaze.

 

The staring contest lasts until they are in the scrub room, side by side, and Maggie hands Meredith the scrubbing sponge and the brush.

 

“How long do you think you’ll be?” Maggie asks, and Meredith almost rolls her eyes at the attempt of small talk. She can talk medicine though, she doesn’t mind talking medicine. It beats talking about the embryo in her uterus for sure.

 

“Depends on how big the bleeder is. I’m pretty sure one of his kidneys is crushed to a pulp. I’m hoping we can save at least part of his spleen and that there are no other tears.”

 

Maggie hums in agreement, studying Meredith’s expression, clearly keeping herself in check not to ask more. Meredith is grateful for her self control. Still, she scrubs in quicker than usual, her flighty nature having the better of her.

 

They start working in a companionable quiet, focused on the task at hand as they try to contain the emergency. Everything seems to go smoothly, both surgeons working on their own side of the table, asking for instruments or stats check in calm and collected voices, their hands steady, their emotions hidden behind their white masks.

 

Meredith is in the middle of stitching up a tear in the spleen to see if she can savage both kidneys when her cell bleeps. The sound makes Meredith jump out of her skin.

 

“What does it say?” Meredith asks one of the interns watching, stopping with the stitches and taking a deep, unsteady breath. She takes out the hands from Mr. Kimball’s abdomen when she notices they are shaking.

 

“A text from Derek Shepherd ICE, Dr. Grey.” the intern reads diligently, a small smile on her lips. Meredith feels like punching her as she breathes in relief.

 

She can keep avoiding her OB a little longer.

 

“Read it to me, please,” she orders, resuming her stitches, feeling steady and confident once again.

 

“Plane was delayed twenty minutes. I’ll call you when we land. Ma says hi,” the intern reads carefully, her cheeks reddening a little under the mask.

 

“Thank you, Dr. Radic,” Meredith nods, taking another deep breath, this time trying to stop her raging mind from concocting horror stories with incoming mothers or Derek on a plane. She manages to fully stitch up the spleen, she can think of horror stories later.

 

“Is Derek coming back from DC?” Maggie asks, making Meredith frown. Since when is he Derek for her?

 

“He is.” Meredith nods, trying her best to be polite and not question her sort-of-half-sister more than necessary. It’s hard not to small-talk after spending almost two hours with a person in an OR, after all.

 

“Right, today is Zola’s birthday. Isn’t it?” Maggie grins under her mask, and Meredith has a hard time not to roll her eyes. Meredith only hums in response, pretending to focus on the kidney right in front of her.

 

Maggie understands her intent right away. “I’m almost done here.”

 

Thank God. “How is it going?”

 

“Pretty straightforward.”

 

Meredith nods, wanting to reply the same, but the monitors start beeping erratically. “Damn it.”

 

“What is it?” Maggie lifts up her eyes from her own portion of the surgery, her turn to frown.

 

“More suction!” Meredith orders. “The stitches on the spleen aren’t holding,” she proceeds to explain, working frantically to find the bleed.

 

Meredith can’t question Maggie much as she leaves her spot near the torso and moves down to the abdomen, helping her out with the spleen, checking the stats for her so that she can keep searching.

 

“Got it!” Meredith exclaims, a smile on her lips as she ligates the bleeding blood vessels.

 

“Wow, this is a pretty messed up abdomen,” Maggie comments, her eyes widening a little. “Do you need an extra set of hands? I’m almost done with the aorta.”

 

Meredith thinks about it for a moment, giving in. “Sure, why not. Unless you need to be somewhere else.” It’s for the best interest of the patient, after all.

 

“I have only one valve repair this afternoon. I was supposed to have the morning off, but I was done with laundry and cleaning even before the sun was up. What was I supposed to do with my time?” Maggie shrugs, grabbing some staples to close Mr. Kimball’s sternum before she moves down to the abdomen to work with Meredith.

 

“I’d kill to have a morning off,” Meredith blurts before she can stop herself. She bites her tongue, but she’s grateful Maggie limits herself to a giggle then resumes her job in silence.

 

The atmosphere is a lot less tense after that, the two women making surgical small talk, sometimes even branching out to the weather, and Meredith feels at ease for the first time in Maggie’s presence. Of course she’s green with envy for the easy life and the paved road the woman seems to have at the moment, the fact that their mother abandoned her barely a bleep in her radar at this point.

 

How could she be so messed up? Is emotional abandonment worse than the physical one? She wishes the questions would stop swirling in her brain and leave blank white noise in its place. Stop thinking for a little while would make things so much easier.

 

The rest of the surgery unfolds without any more unexpected bleeders, Meredith finding it strangely easy to work side by side to Maggie. It surprises her how well they work together, and she wonders if surgical dexterity is genetic. Maybe it is.

 

The surgeons scrub out together once again, small smiles on their faces as the water hits their hands and forearms.

 

“It was a pleasure working with you, Dr. Pierce,” Meredith says honestly, her smile widening for a second.

 

“Likewise, Dr. Grey.” Maggie returns the smile with little effort, then she sobers up. “Look, I know this is weird and I just want to apologize in advance for overstepping my boundaries,” she begins, taking a deep breath then.

 

Meredith hums to let her talk a little more, suddenly curious. She turns a little towards Maggie to study her body language better.

 

“I was talking to Dr. Amelia Shepherd yesterday, about gifts. For Zola.”

 

“I know, she told me. I don’t mind that. I don’t have a say on who Amelia can be friends with, but you don’t have to buy Zola a gift.”

 

“I already bought her one,” Maggie blurts, in a very Grey fashion. Meredith’s eyes widen a little for both things.

 

“It’s not...You didn’t…”

 

“I know I didn’t need to but…” Maggie swallows. “She’s my only niece.”

 

“Oh,” Meredith bites her lip. “I…”

 

“Can I give it to you before you leave?”

 

Meredith opens her mouth then closes it, then blurts: “Come over.”

 

She has no idea why she said that. Except the words of Lizzie Shepherd resonate in her brain. She needs spares, she can’t deny it, now that Derek is in DC. It would be nice to have one more person available for babysitting duties, if not more. Plus, today the Shepherds in her life seem to be very eager to intrude in her brain.

 

Maggie’s eyes widen, and her mouth is just as slack, her expression just as surprised as Meredith’s when she realizes how monumental her words are.

 

“I’m...We...Zola’s having a party at my house. Nothing big. There will be food.” Meredith rambles, keeping her hands busy by yanking out the paper towels from the holder in a nervous manner. “We do live a little in the woods, but I can give you directions or…”

 

“I would like that.” Maggie stutters a little too, gracefully accepting both the opening Meredith gives her into her life and the paper towel she’s offering.

 

“The party starts at four thirty, maybe five but you can come over whenever.” Meredith nods, taking a deep breath, hoping she won’t regret this one.

 

“My surgery should be over around five.”

 

“Great.” Meredith nods, standing idle in front of Maggie after throwing away the soaked towel. Maggie hums, mimicking Meredith. “I’ll just…”

 

“Yeah. Alright.” Maggie giggles nervously. “I’ll see you later.”

 

“I’ll leave directions in a note in your locker. Is it too high school?” Meredith blushes then, feeling stupid and awkward for even suggesting that.

 

Luckily Maggie laughs. “We’ll keep it between us.”

 

Meredith nods, feeling strangely better for having invited her. At least she took a step, right? Lizzie Shepherd would be proud.

 

She decides she can debate over that as she goes back to the floor, checking on her next few patients.

 

She bids goodbye to Maggie, leaning against the wall outside of the scrub room to take a deep breath. She feels drained and it’s barely eleven in the morning, she has no idea how she can last until the party ends, especially considering the rollercoaster that the OB test results and Carolyn Shepherd will surely bring along.

 

And speaking of the OB, her pager shrieks and buzzes, forcing her out of her thoughts.

 

Dr. Ryan.

 

Truth time.

 

 


End file.
